The Virtues of the Republic

God:
Only one in whom we trust. Too bad for our steadfast Jewish allies, but certainly it will be worse for the evil-doing Arabs. Since very few of our neighbors are Arab, there is no inconsistency in our praying for their everlasting perdition and upholding the commandment that one “love thy neighbor, as one loves thy ass.” Doesn’t it just infuriate you to imagine some post-modern Liberal—too clever by half—joking that we have found the catchphrase of contemporary narcissism?

Value:
Ephemeral, metaphysical even, nothing there, just air and late fees. Thus it is that we insist ever more strenuously that there is something there: would you like to go out and see my new Hummer?

Patriotism:
Even the Nazi SS were patriots, enough said.

Marriage:
Sacred institution of male and female: so sacrosanct, in fact, that it is the sole contractual relationship in the English speaking world that must be mediated by the state at both its beginning, and its dissolution. Marriage, the ever so clever raison d’ etre and support for so many countless judges who sanction the half of these partnerships which must be dissolved in their chambers, sooner rather than later, if the municipality is to prosper. Hell, brothers and sisters get along better than that. But that would be wrong, right?


Responsibility:
That which Niggers and Spics don’t have, which single mothers, addicts, and those lazy sons of bitches on the dole cannot, by definition, have either. If they had any sense, they would have married rich, the postmodern golden parachute.

Freedom of Speech:
To be enjoyed in all instances, as long as you first swear not to think for yourself. See www.howtothinkcorrectly.gov for an entire list of things you are free to say. One may also listen to the administration’s spokes person who will not hesitate to point out when you are wrong.

The Right to Bear Arms:
The Founding Father’s Di Vinci like foresight intended, originally, to prevent evil liberals from denying us God-fearing patriots our favorite hunting rifle and our trusty fully automatic AK-47s to keep them “others” from home invasioning us. In fact, the Fathers themselves wanted automatic rifles for the inevitable Westward expansion. “It is our policy that it the exponential difference in how strenuous it is for us to manifest out destinies is directly tied to the most humane and rapid proportion of Americans we can massacre. “Genocide: the golden road from sea to shining sea,” a “wagon sticker” the unfortunate Gen. Custard reported seeing on the plains, as reported in the last letter he wrote to his dear wife, before some Crazy Horse took umbrage and stuck a Little Big Horn up his dashing ass.

Environmentalism:
A euphemism for corporate maleficence: One-third of the town’s population has cancer? Of course, we will clean it up. Only you must keep in mind that our right to exhaust our dully obtained legal loopholes is enshrined in law, whereas your desire for clean, healthy drinking water is just one more manifestation of keeping up with the Jonesvilles.” Close relatives of other clever linguistic misdirections, such as “clean coal,” “pre-emptive strike,” and “exit strategy” *See Responsibility, above.

The Democratic Process - A:
A way for our fine, upstanding corporate citizens to contribute to the good of the country by employing the billions of dollars they saved by moving to China, South-East Asia, and Mexico to reward our duly elected representatives remain in Washington, until they become disgusted with the perpetual campaign, and take more lucrative jobs with aforementioned entities, who pay them to take their old buddies on “educational junkets” to Monte Carlo or to award them for a hard day’s worth of prevarication with a fine meal and 50 year old scotch. In this way, political reality is defined.



The Democratic Process - B:
The new and improved opium of the people: the way in which we are all so certain of our ability to make a difference, that we assure ourselves of our neighbor’s willingness to do it for us. After all, six of one is half a dozen of another, however you analyze it.

The Democratic Process – C:
That which is so desired by the population of Iraq now that they fail to notice that shot which is about to maim their child, if not kill her. It is True, Good, and Right that the Iraqi people should have a democratic government. Otherwise, how would sensible men believe it correct to impose the Liberty and Freedom so essential to human Dignity. Additionally, our fighting forces being free from engagement in a war that ended 6 months ago, a democratic, free, and secure Iraq would finally allow Army Reserve units to do the important work: find those pesky WMD’s

Finally, Certainty - A:
Based on the steadfast belief that the True, the Right, and the Good are on our side. After all, God would certainly not advise our President to do something immoral. If only I could speak to the Father, as well. Perhaps if I pray hard enough He will pay my car off, and let Kansas City will the World Series.Unfortunately, I was born-again into the wrong family. Not one worthless relative has the direct number to the sat phone at the left hand of God.

Certainty - B:
The social disease whereby everyone else, even one’s neighbor, who failed to visit www.howtothinkcorrectly.gov, is wrong. (Perhaps I should have voted after all). The most efficacious and soothing rationalization for death and destruction on a massive scale for anyone who is an evil-doer to have ever been conceived in human misstory. If only certainty could protect us from hell, provide us with health care, or kill those whose own certainty clashes with ours, while simultaneously preventing catastrophic budget deficits, I may just consider the adoption of this epistemological abortion myself.

ps. We love certainty clashes with countries rich in oil supplies.

pss. As long as certainty prevails the stench of death will pervade our planet.

© 9/9/04